It’s A Jersey Thing

Over the Christmas holiday, I was in New Jersey visiting my girlfriend’s parents. The first day we were there, we needed to pick up a few things at Walmart. So at 9:30 in the morning we headed to the closest Wally World which was about 35 minutes away. We found what we were looking for and proceeded to the checkout with what appeared to be the least amount of people standing in line, all in all 4 transactions. While standing there, we hear “Are you guys on your honeymoon?” (Yeah, I’m wasting one of the supposed best times of my life in Walmart) I turned around to see an older gentleman probably in his 70’s. My girlfriend and I both kinda laughed it off and I proceeded to tell him that we are not. He persisted, “Well, when you do go on your honeymoon, can I be your mattress? My name is Jack.” He then put this hand out for me to shake.

This caught me off guard. I was stunned that this comment was made but proceeded to shake his hand because I didn’t want to be rude. The old man looked at my girlfriend and said, “Do you like kissing those dimples (referring to my dimples)?” After the dimple comment, I’m becoming more and more aggravated and embarrassed. Then he looked at me, “She is beautiful! Why aren’t you married to her? Why haven’t you married her? Are you two married?”

He then told us about the sloppy seconds he got after his brother from some woman in Korea or Vietnam. We both just stood there nodding and smiling like idiots wondering what the hell was taking so long in front of us! It was the longest, most awkward 5 minutes of my entire life.

Finally, the cashier rang up the few items that we had but before we could leave, the old man told how we had “made his week”. I’m still not sure what that meant and frankly, I really don’t even want to think about it. We bolted after that and never stepped foot in that Walmart again for the rest of the week.