Car Problems

Ten years ago, Christmas time, my daughter & were leaving Walmart. I was standing just off the curb, behind a car, waiting to cross to the parking lot. Suddenly, I felt something against my leg, looked to see a car! A woman was backing her car into me. I yelled, but the car pressed until my leg started to give. I slammed my hand down on the trunk. Instant brake lights. A woman gets out of the car in all her Walmart glory– femme mullet, cigarette dangling from her lip, and yes, A TANK TOP IN DECEMBER!!!! The woman looked like she’d won Dive Bar Hag of the Decade.

She yells at me, “Why the fuck’d you hit my car?”

“Because you were backing into me!”

“Maybe you should watch where the fuck you’re goin’!”

I explained to her, louder and louder, that I was just standing there, but she didn’t buy it. Probably too busy thinking about the Travis Tritt CD she was missing in the Redneckmobile.

Finally, she said, “If you don’t wanna get hit you shouldn’t stand there, asshole.”

I snapped the rest of the way. I dropped my bags, took a step toward her and yelled, “I will whip your ass. Fuck you, you fat bitch!”

She got wide eyed, jumped back in the car and sped off. Insult to injury, everyone in the parking lot looked at me like I’d just been murdering fuzzy puppies.