Wifey

So after my high school graduation ceremony, my mom, grandmother, aunt and I made a trip to the local Wal Mart to get some supplies for my graduation party. We’re all still dressed up from the ceremony, me in a cute but modest dress, trying to get out of there as quickly as possible because frankly, the place is scary as hell.

Somehow I get left guarding the cart in a makeup aisle while my group dispersed for a few minutes. I’m waiting patiently, watching all the “lovely” people go by, when an old man passes the end of the aisle. No big deal, right? Then he comes back, and walks up to my cart.

“Excuse me, I’m looking for my wife.”

“OK.” I’m assuming he’s old and senile, but what can I do? I don’t know what his wife looks like.

“Would you like to be my wife tonight?”

WTF? Still thinking he’s old and crazy, I try to be polite with “Um, I have a boyfriend, I don’t think he would like that.”

“He can be with my wife then, and you can be my wife for tonight.”

At this point my mom comes back, and I give her the “OMG” eyes. She says “It’s time to go.”

He looks at her, looks at me, and says, “See how jealous she is of you?”

Mom says, “OK, it’s reaaaaally time to go.”

Directly to my mother: “But she wants to make love to me.”

We booked it out of there so fast, the shock didn’t even set in. And when we told the story to my aunt and grandma, we had to keep grandma from going back in and beating the crap out of the old man. I will never, ever forget that day, or go to Walmart alone.