What Are You, 12?

My younger brother and his friends (all in their mid-twenties, over 6′ tall, and college graduates) love to go into our local Super Wal*Mart in Lugoff, SC (among other stores/restaurants in our area)… And do stupid things to see how much attention and how many odd looks they can get. They have NO shame and do things ranging from pretending to be over-the-top mentally handicapped to sitting in the middle of a toy aisle joyfully and loudly playing Barbie dolls to hiding in the middle of those circular clothing racks, talking when a person approaches to look at the clothing to walking around holding hands and patting each other on the butts pretending to be homosexual, cliche’ lisp and all. (Keep in mind that we’re in the South and being “gay”, especially for males, is still pretty taboo.) They’re the quintessential pranksters, and it’s NEVER boring when you go out in public with them!!!

The incident that takes the cake, though, happened about 2 months ago. Knowing how silly they act, I usually try not to go to Wal*Mart with them; it’s like asking to be publically humiliated.

I have a 3-year old daughter and I had to get some things for her, along with a few female items for myself. I was standing in the personal hygeine aisle looking for my brand of pantiliners. I also noticed that an older woman (I’m guessing late-50’s, professionally dressed, nice make-up, obviously salon-done hair, etc.) was also in the aisle, and she was looking at personal lubricants. Lo and behold, my brother Brian and his friend Gene came around the corner, saw the woman, and exhanged meaningful looks. I just KNEW they were going to do something.

Brian walked up to the lady, tapped her on the shoulder – which startled the crap out of her, causing her to drop the box of ‘KY Yours and Mine’ lube she was holding onto the floor. Brian yelled over to Gene, “Hey, what was the name of the stuff your wife told us she needed?” to which Gene replied, “I think it was called VagiClean or some shit like that.” My brother then proceeded to ramble on VERY loudly to this poor lady, “Do you know where the VagiClean is? Have you ever used it before? Does it work? See, my buddy’s wife has serious odor problems in her vaginal area and needs something that actually will work this time because none of the stuff she’s tried has helped. I mean, you can smell her before she even walks into a room, and now her coworkers are even complaining. Her boss said he was going to fire her if she didn’t take care of the smell. So, have you used it or know anyone who has? Do you know if it works? I don’t know how my buddy stands to have sex with her because the smell is so bad! You, on the other hand, smell very nice!” and leaned in to loudly sniff the woman’s perfume. (Note: A crowd of about 15 people had formed, watching with a mixture of sympathy/amusement/horror) The woman was so stunned that she just backed very slowly away from my brother, stuttering that she’d never heard of VagiClean, didn’t know anyone who had used it, she was sorry she couldn’t help him, and maybe his friend’s wife needed to go see a doctor. She then turned around and made a bee-line out of that department. Everyone busted out laughing.

I haven’t been to Wal*Mart with my brother or his friends ever since!!!